"I'm sorry that we couldn't spend more time serving together...below me."

"The place where I come from is a small town
They think so small
They use small words
But not me
I'm smarter than that
I worked it out
I've been stretching my mouth
To let those big words come right out

I've had enough, I'm getting out
To the city, the big big city
I'll be a big noise with all the big boys
There's so much stuff I will own
And I will pray to a big god
As I kneel in the big church

Big time!
I'm on my way, I'm making it
Big time! Big time!
I've got to make it show, yeah
Big time! Big time!
So much larger than life
Big time!
I'm going to watch it growing
Big time!"
-"Big Time," Peter Gabriel (official theme of WrestleMania 22, only 60 days away!)

Welcome to the big blog. I'm practicing my Sportscenter catchphrases, because today I met with a representative from ESPN about applying for a job there. Gave him my resume and everything. With any luck, by this time next year I could be running around snagging No-Doz and Ding Dongs for Stephen A. Smith! Wait a minute, that doesn't sound so appealing now that I say it here. Hmm. In any case, ESPN stands for The Dream; the one goal that I and the people around me alike have consistently forecasted should be what I do with my life. To have a realistic shot at starting down that road is amazing. For once in my career, I am definitely glad to be at Notre Dame, a place that can attract such a big-time (heh heh, bet you thought I couldn't work it in there) employer as the Total Sports Network and put me face-to-face with someone who could get me there. Then again, I might also be a half-time student at Kishwaukee College desperately trying to sneak into graduate schools at this time next year. The future; it's a mother fucker, eh?

Between the search for the future and my quickly escalating digital video production shooting schedule, a guy like me would already have more than enough to fill his plate. And by a guy like me, I mean a guy like Earl from the NBC sitcom "My Name is Earl," who says that "9:00 is early for a guy like me," and then awakens looking like he just took a couple of pints of Thunderbird straight in his veins. Of course, I am smart enough to not only have these things to worry about but also three other classes, a decent-sized role in a Shakespearean play and the lead in my lovely girlfriend's senior directing project. Needless to say, I've had some stressful moments in the past week, and they are only going to get worse. And wouldn't you know it, just like every finals week when these stressors normally pile up the worst, I'm getting sick. Not deathbed sick. Not even amusing, loopy on DayQuil sick. Just annoying, scratchy throat, congested sinuses sick. It's a wonder I could even speak coherently to the ESPN guy. Of course, the upside is that if I don't get a job, he will get a cold bug to remember me by. Take that, recruiter Joe!

But wait, there's more! On Saturday, I took yet another step in my progression towards golden godhood. I moved from the murky, geek-infested realm of the former high school speech competitor to the lofty, deity-like status of regional speech tournament judge. That's right, the Illinois High School Association actually paid me to decide the outcome of one of their tournaments. I would be more excited about this if I wasn't so skeptical as to the state of affairs of the IHSA right now that allowed this to come about. In any case, I didn't let the power go to my head and I was glad to be able to help out my good buddy and former speech coach, Greg Solomon. Congrats to him and his team for a very strong overall showing and first place as a team at the tournament. Now it's on to sectionals where D-Town has to contend with the overinflated, fathead suburban schools with their huge enrollments (and thus huger talent pools), their snooty-looking clothes and their fancy, high-priced, sophisticated speech technology (okay, I made that one up, but they do get all the other unfair advantages). Take it to 'em, Barbs, and show them that a bunch of corn-shucking, squirrel-chomping (don't ask) backwards yokels can talk circles around them and their tea-sipping, patty-cake playing highbrow ways.

In reference to my last entry, I just want to report that my Royal Rumble party was a rousing success, proving once again that pro wrestling is a viable entertainment source for any audience with the right mix of time and energy. Everyone in my house except for student body president D Biddy was there watching, as were my girlfriend, resident ND wrestling wunderkind Stevie Tortellini, and my good pal and recent wrestling addiction relapse victim Mike "I am NOT named after a hairstyle" Malatt. We enjoyed the whole show with the veractiy of a pack of Super Bowl partyers--well, maybe not, more like an excited crew of American Idol enthusiasts--and there proved to be something there for everybody. My girl was fascinated by the vast array of shiny tight pants and weird hairstyles, D-Locke found John Cena's entrance music to be his new favorite killer dance groove, and proving yet another well-known theory to be true, the whole room was made jubilant by the ousting of Triple H ("he's an asshole" seemed to be the most common knock against him--from people who don't watch wrestling, mind you) from the Rumble match as well as the subesequent victory by the eternal underdog, Rey Misterio.

And speaking of Rey-Rey, let me just say that his win in the Rumble match was pretty much the sole highlight of the show for me, and I would be bitter about dropping $40 on it had it not been for my sentimental favorite coming out on top. For the record, while I don't believe that Rey makes the most viable contender for a run with a World Championship, I also don't believe there is anyone who deserves such a run more than he does. Rey works his ass off to make his matches with vastly bigger men believable, innovative and dynamic, he has avoided any sustained time off due to injury, legal or personal problems in all of the 3 1/2 years he has worked for WWE, and he is consistently one of the most popular performers on Smackdown. I believe Rey could have gotten a push like this as long as a couple of years ago, as evidenced by the tremendous, hopeful reactions he has gotten in every one of his rare WWE title matches on Smackdown in the past couple of years. The fans love this guy and want to believe in him. There are two things about his current push, however, that really bother me. The first matter is the obvious one that has the whole wrestling world buzzing, that of WWE's blatant efforts to use Eddie Guerrero's death as a way to build momentum and popularity for Rey while gaining heat for his current rival, Randy Orton. As I eluded to above, the glaring problem with this strategy is that Rey doesn't need to capitalize on Eddie's death in order to get over with the fans. He's got them already, and any residual reaction that he would get from fans wanting to honor Eddie by supporting Rey would come without any provocation from the writers. Besides which, I believe that it not only tarnishes Eddie's legacy to be used in death as a plot device to get over another wrestler, but it actually makes Rey look weaker as a guy who can't get over on his own merits. The same goes for Orton, by the way, who is a perfectly effective cocky heel without having to say deplorable things like "Eddie's in hell" on national television when the Guerrero family could be watching, not to mention when Eddie's best friend is standing right in front of him. It is not only unnecessary but it just plain makes the both of them look bad. I believe that Rey and Orton are perfectly capable of putting together an old-fashioned "I'm better than you, no you're not, you wanna fight over it? yeah, let's do that" type of a feud without cheapening it as they have. Rey eliminating Orton to win the Rumble was a perfectly good reason to start a storyline, so besides everything else, the Eddie aspect of it is just a gaudy tack-on.

Secondly, it pains me to say so as Rey is probably my favorite wrestler competing in WWE right now (I'm enough of a Misterio mark to have his poster on my wall and his t-shirt in my wardrobe), but as I mentioned above I just don't know if I buy him having a sustained run as a World champion. I read a column in the wrestling section of my favorite website, insidepulse.com, that summed up the problem nicely. It basically said that Rey is not designed to wrestle men any bigger than Chris Jericho, the men formerly known as the Radicalz (Eddie, Benoit, Malenko) or Kurt Angle. That is because pro wrestling operates on the delicate balance of fantasy by which every move has to look like it hurts just enough to fool the audience. Thus every wrestler who wins a match has to be just big enough to seem like he could conceivably hurt his opponent with his vaguely painful-looking offense enough to beat them. If he isn't big enough, he can usually only win by some sort of unexpected means. Rey-Rey has tiptoed this line of believability in matches with much bigger men all through his WCW and WWE runs. When wrestling much bigger guys, his offense is usually based on surprise and using speed and momentum to bring opponents down and put them in sudden pinning combinations. But there is only so far that this kind of offense can take you before the audience begins not to buy it. If Misterio is defending his title against guys like JBL, Bobby Lashley, Mark Henry, and even Randy Orton night after night, always using B.S. surprise pins and takedowns that obviously involve the bigger guy flipping himself over because Rey is nowhere near heavy enough to do it himself, eventually the believability factor will go out the window along with Rey's credibility as a champion. Not only that, but big guys such as the ones I listed tend not to be very good workers. They might not be able to consistently bump in the proper ways to make Rey's offense look effective, not to mention that they probably wouldn't be able to keep up with his fast pace. Guys like Angle, Benoit, or Matt Hardy would have no problem in these areas, but how many times can Rey defend the belt against them? Even though I personally love seeing Misterio fly at bigger guys and whip them around using his legs like arms, I admit that at some point the general wrestling public is going to stop rooting for the irrepressible underdog and start calling shenanigans. And I would almost rather Rey never reach the pinnacle of the business than to have a short, meaningless title reign because WWE has to pull the plug on it. All that being said, I picked Orton to beat him out in the Rumble and I was gladly proven wrong, so I won't let myself be bitter enough to wager against him again. I believe that Rey will beat Randy Orton at No Way Out, keep his World Championship match at Wrestlemania, and face Kurt Angle for the gold at the event with me live in attendance, wearing that Misterio shirt proudly and revelling in their match of the year-level efforts. Or maybe I don't believe, maybe just like Redd in Shawshank, "I hope."

Hits quicker and harder than "an overhand right from Riddick:"

-The Super Bowl. It sucked. Big, hard, smelly donkey balls. The game was full of poor execution, lack of desire and overriding boneheadedness, especially on the part of the Seahawks. They didn't even make a compelling effort at a comeback because their hurry-up offense was such an embarassing mess. Like the Royal Rumble, the only bright spot was that a personal favorite of mine, ND alum Jerome Bettis, got to go out classy and on top. Good for him, the fat bastard. But yeah, other than that, suckfest. Even the commercials were awful. Maybe I was in a cynical mood, but I could not bring myself to laugh at any of them, let alone be impressed by their production value. I felt like I could have seen the same crop of shit during timeouts of a preseason NIT game on ESPN2. The coin toss pissed me off, too. Why should Tom Brady get to do it? What has he done in Super Bowls that is so much more special than anybody else? And why rub in the faces of guys who still have to play against him for another 10 years that Brady is a celebrity who is more marketable than the whole rest of the league? Emmitt Smith was standing right there; he's retired and the all-time leading rusher. Let him toss the damn coin! I'm not jealous of Brady, though, no way. Ah well, the Rolling Stones were decent. Pack it up, move on, and don't suck so bad next year when the Bears are playing, that's all I've got to say to the NFL.

-Only 3 weeks 'til the first Sox spring training game! And now that Chicago's only true local sports radio station, WSCR 670, is carrying all their games, I never have to miss one! I'm not just shilling, I'm genuinely pumped. Unless of course the Cubs do as they're told by the Laws of Destiny and win it all this year, in which case I will be forced to shift the majority of my loyalties back their way. I no longer hide my fence-sitting nature, I just wallow in it.

-I have a sustained comic book buying habit for the first time ever. I get paid on Friday, which means after only a week off, I can resume my ritual of buying select new releases from the BuyMe Toys shop in Mishawaka every 7 days. My current titles include Infinite Crisis from DC as well as Ultimate Extinction, New Avengers, Ultimate Spider-Man and the 3 mainline Spider-Man books from Marvel. If I'm not careful, I may give in to all the 'net hype and start adding X-Men and Batman books, and from there God only knows where it will stop. More on this as it develops, but I just have to get one thing off my chest: Spider-Armor? Really?

Thea-thea-thea-thea-that's all, folks!

~Jakeman