New Year, New Horizons, Same Ol' Songs Running Through My Head

From January 26:
"I want love, but it’s impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love won't bring me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love."
-"I Want Love" by Elton John

Being the first since her tragic passing, this entry is dedicated to the memory of my friend Amanda Rohlman. Amanda died in a car accident just before I went home for Christmas break. She recently graduated from college in Missouri and was back in my hometown of DeKalb living with her parents and looking for a job. She was 22.

When I think about Amanda, there are unfortunate truths I have to face. The most prevalent of which is that I didn't know Amanda all that well before she died. I attended her visitation and funeral basically because she was deeply connected to people very dear to me. She was probably my good buddy Steve's best friend. Her father Art was only recently removed as athletics and activities director at my high school, and if not for him the speech team that I loved being part of so much may not have had the funding to survive through my time at DHS. She was also a close friend of many other friends of mine, but most importantly, she was the only serious girlfriend that my brother (from another mother) Brent has ever had. Brent and Amanda dated for a couple of years back in high school, and as far as I know, he was the love of her life up to the point when it ended. So I wanted to be there for Brent and Steve, and to give my condolences to Art because I respect the man a lot. But I had to admit, there was a part of me that didn't think I really belonged there because Amanda and I were never close. There were moments, however, that made me think differently.

Like when I greeted Art at the visitation and was able to put a smile on his face talking about my dad. What I didn't know was that Art and Dad, who know each other from both working in the school district, had just talked a couple of days before Amanda passed. I would guess that they talked about me and her, how we were both doing, and both were able to gush with pride as well as trepidation about what was going to happen to us kids in this important part of our lives. How strange it was that only a couple of days later, one of us was taken away without warning. When my dad got to Art at the visitation, Art finally broke down and let my dad clutch him. Dad asked him how he was getting through all this, and all Art could say was that it was killing him. Art has always been a pillar of strength to anyone who knew him. A former NIU basketball player, he always gave off an aura of tempered intimidation. You had to respect the guy, because everything about him said he could crush you at any moment, but he always chose not to. He kept everything close to the vest. But not this day. My dad is a kind, understanding man, the kind of which I wish I could be if he could provide a rock for this mountain of a man so emotionally drained to lean on. And there must be some part of Dad in me if I could bring a smile to Art's face. Maybe, I thought, there's a reason I belong here. I hung close to Brent throughout the duration of the two days. Brent is as emotionally reserved a guy as I've ever met, and as a result I couldn't really tell how he was doing with all of this. It made me worried that he was bottling up emotions that could really screw him up later. But I didn't force it, didn't make him try to open up. I let him stay reserved, stay the same old Brent and I knew he was comfortable enough with me to do that. Maybe that was another reason I belonged there, because Brent needed me there even if he didn't say so. I also made sure to give Steve a big hug after he gave the eulogy. Steve and I have always connected through our ability to think on our feet and talk in front of people. But even I knew that this was the hardest speech he'd ever have to make. He did it flawlessly. I was proud of him, and I let him know it. Even if I do look at him as an older brother type, I think having my respect for being strong at a tough moment meant a lot to him. Maybe I belonged there for that purpose.

Still, I couldn't help but feel like I didn't have a personal link to Amanda herself, like there was an inner circle around her that I was just obnoxiously poking my head into. When Steve and others talked about how well everyone in that room knew Amanda, what popped in my head was that all the great friends around me did, but I didn't. I was an interloper. Slowly, however, I came to realize something. From listening to Steve and Brent and my other friends talk about Amanda through those two days, I realized that she had an amazingly positive and lasting impact on their lives. They were better people because they had known her, and as a result they were just that much better friends to me. And even if I didn't get all the chances I wanted to know her personally, I was amazed at how much I knew about her because of them. Iknow she lived life to the fullest, even if it sometimes got her in trouble. I know she always spoke her mind no matter what someone thought of her opinion. And I know for all her bouts of temporary insanity, Amanda was as true a friend and as genuine a soul as there could ever be. Stiil, I don't think I've ever wished I knew someone better more than I do Amanda. That is a tough pill to swallow, but even so it is a tribute and a testament to her life. Best of all, thanks to that visitation and funeral I have gained a great appreciation for the times we did spend together, and I realize that even in those few occasions Amanda managed to give me some great memories. Particularly the New Year's I spent in her parents' basement. It was the night I met Steve's girlfriend, Kristen, who immediately quelled my fears that my best friend had been snagged by some bitchy succubus. It was one of the first times I knew Brent and I were really close. And it was the first time that I felt a girl's breast--Amanda's, because she wanted to convince me that one was bigger than the other. That was who she was in a nutshell, and though Steve and Brent may have a thousand crazy moments like that to remember, that one is enough for me. Not only that, but Amanda and I were starting to get closer before she died, as whenever I came back into town to hang out with Steve, she would be there too and we were starting to get really comfortable with each other. I mourn deeply because we never got a chance to do that more. But I know now that it isn't important how much time I spent with Amanda. Because the time I did spend with her combined with the memories of her that will continue to live on through Brent and Steve is worth a lot. I know now that Amanda was that special type that could affect you deeply in just a short time. And I think I did belong with those who mourned her death and celebrated her life because I have realized this. I can honestly say it was an honor to be there. I still pray for Amanda's soul, and for those who have to deal with her loss. It is a huge one that they may never heal from. But I know she will live on. I know she made a deep impression in a ton of good people's lives. And when it is all said and done, who among us could ever hope to achieve more in this life?

Rest in peace, Amanda.



By the by, I cannot wait for the Royal Rumble. I'm having a party to watch it at my house this year, and my girlfriend has once again proven her awesomeness by agreeing to come over for it. And you wanna know a secret? I think she's excited, too. I'll talk more about this later. In fact...

Ouch!...Quick hits:

-I did a bad thing and without thinking, checked the link on my favorite wrestling news site that detailed the original plan for the Royal Rumble. Thus I went from being blissfully ignorant of who was going to win this year and looking forward to watching the match in genuine suspense to possibly turning the match into one big anti-climax. On the smallish upside, the plan was for a guy to win that I thought was a solid pick anyway, and there's still a chance he might not win and get a title shot some other way. With that knowledge tucked firmly in the back of my mind, here are my Rumble predicitions, because I am just salivating to see this thing:

winner: either Randy Orton from SD! or Triple H from Raw
who I'd like to see win: either Rey Mysterio from SD! or Rob Van Dam from Raw

most eliminations: Bobby Lashley, because he's young and huge and I think WWE wants to get him over in the same pattern as Brock Lesnar and Batista

longest time in the ring: Sentimentally I'd like to see Flair, Michaels, Mysterio or even RVD get this honor, but upon examining Rumble history I think the longevity mark for this year will go to Carlito. He's an upper mid-card heel who has a reputation for being pesky and hard to dominate even by monsters like Kane and Big Show. He fits the mold of Ted Dibiase in 1990 (40+ minutes), Rick Martel in 1991 (53 minutes or so), the old HHH in 1996 (48 minutes) and even Jonathan Coachman, who apparently (I don't remember this) lasted like a half hour in last year's match.

who will draw #1?: Rey Mysterio, because he's so small that the odds are already stacked against him, so why not make them worse, and because he has the stamina and athletic ability to stay in and be interesting for a long time. Maybe Chavo Guerrero can be #2 to really enforce the point that there are no friends.

who will draw #30?: Doesn't matter so much since the wrestler in this spot always loses, but I think it will be Coach.

who will be the mystery entrants?: I always suck at guessing these unless I read the spoilers right before the show. Judging by WWE's investment in the new Senior Tour, I mean, Legends campaign, it's liable to be almost anyone who has worked for WWE in the past 20 years and isn't signed by TNA right now. Based on that and who I've seen on their shows lately, I'll go out on a limb and say Roddy Piper and Hillbilly Jim will be two of them, and the other will be someone who loses their singles match earlier in the night; either JBL, Mark Henry or Edge. My instincts tell me they won't use Undertaker for this, but I could be very wrong.

storylines for WrestleMania started during the match: If Henry and 'Taker end up in the match, I could see hostilities beginning between them over an elimination. I think Chris Masters will throw out Kane or Big Show leading to a feud with one of them and the long-awaited breaking of the Master Lock. I think Shawn Michaels will be royally screwed by Vince McMahon in some way that drives him to want to physically abuse the boss. Van Dam should eliminate Carlito or vice versa in order to continue the story they started back in July when RVD was drafted to Raw. And wishful thinking makes me hope that something will get stirred up between Mysterio and Chris Benoit, since I don't remember any singles matches between the two in the past.

-The Bears. Ugggh. Don't get me started. Maybe I'll come back to this sometime soon.

-Kids, don't ever put off applying for graduate schools. Believe it or not, it's an even bigger headache than the college application process. Especially when your expensive designer education has you up to your cerebellum in student loan debt.

To be continued soon...(man, do I love the ellipsis)

Jakeman