...And I Was Shot To Death

"If I am right
If I can be
Constant and faithful
You'll find me

In my devotion
In my devotion

But if you find a fault
Between my purpose and my deeds
Deem me beyond salvation
Judge me to be unworthy

Of your devotion
Of your devotion"
-"Devotion," Tracy Chapman

Tonight's entry is dedicated to my girlfriend Aiea and her senior comprehensive production of "Two Rooms," a play in which I performed. The performance was earlier this evening, and from what I can tell it went amazingly well. We were able to rip the hearts out of a whole gathering of well-wishers, and the best part is that we meant to do it. With this show in the books, Aiea is now only a few simple steps away from graduating Saint Mary's College with a degree in Theater, and though her semester is still going to be tough from here on out, it takes one huge load off her mind that we are both quite appreciative of. I intend to show that girl a good time in the next two days so that she can take the rest of her mind off her stressload as long as possible. Wish me luck on my harrowing (rhymes with arrowing; long story) task.

Anyhow, on to the business at hand. Other than the money-in-the-bank performance tonight, my thoughts are adrift on subjects of great importance, so I'm gonna go with quickish hit format for the whole of the entry proper. Sound good? First off:

Top Ten Wrestling Entrance Songs
-This is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I'm a firm believer in the power of music to augment the telling of a story, the development of a character or the overall mood of an audience. While this aspect of music is most clearly played out in motion pictures, it is strongly manifested in the realm of pro wrestling as well. Since the early 1980s, wrestlers have come to the ring while a song played that helped the fan identify with and get to know the character of that wrestler. During the MTV-WWF connection of the mid-80s, entrance music became a vital way for Vince McMahon to tap into the appeal of pop music by having his wrestlers walk out to the strains of top 40 hits. Since that time, a debate has come into being, solely amongst the saddest of wrestling geeks, over whether it is better for a wrestler to enter to a pop song or an original composition that gives him or her an identity distinct from a well-known song. The one constant has been that entrance music is a great way to engage both live crowds and audiences at home, conditioning them to begin responding to a wrestler when they hear their entrance music begin. Thus the proper entrance song is now vitally important to a wrestler's chances of getting over with the fans and pushed by the writers. So in compiling this list, I took into consideration how well the goal of getting a wrestler over is achieved by their song as well as how much the song itself rocks. Only a music whore like myself could think some of these songs are actually good, but when you consider the integral role wrestling has played in my life, you begin to understand that some of these songs are very important to me. That only made it harder to make up this list, but I gave it a try:
#1 "Real American" by Derringer--Hulk Hogan
Only makes sense that the greatest icon in the business would be #1. Hogan used to come out to "Eye of the Tiger" to play up his role in Rocky III, and that was a really awesome song for him. This song was actually first used for the pretty boy tag team of Windham and Rotundo. Thankfully the WWF lost the rights to "Eye of the Tiger" and paired Hogan with the only entrance song that could have ever topped it in order to play up his status as an evil-foreigner-basher. This song inspires me and makes me nostalgic for my childhood all in one 3 minute festival of love. I play it as my "victory song" everytime I finish a tough task or achieve a long sought-after goal. Sometimes I even pose like the Hulkster, too, but only in the privacy of my room. I don't feel any song ever captured the heroic, patriotic nature of a character better than this one, and its riffy guitar rock structure ensures that it only needs to be played for a couple of seconds before the fans explode, even 15-20 years after Hogan's heyday. It's a no-brainer.
#2 "Also Sprach Zarathustra," a.k.a. theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey by Strauss--Ric Flair
Quite the switch in respectability, eh? Doesn't matter if you're a legendary classical composer or a forgotten 80s rocker on this list. WCW (before it was called that) lifted this tune from the movie because they wanted to lend an epic feel to the entrance of their biggest draw. 25 years later, it still works. You could love or hate Ric Flair, like I did as a young fan in the 80s and 90s, but when those three notes played, you knew something important was up. As Flair has become more of a nostalgia icon and less of a wrestling deity, his trademark "Whooo!" has been added to the beginning of the song to help get the fans more into it, and the effect is not lessened. No one takes hold of an audience with his entrance like the Nature Boy.
#3 "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's theme
This song has had several variations under a few different names, including a cover by alternarock stalwart Disturbed, but it has always contained one key aspect that epitomizes a good entrance song: the shattering glass at the beginning. Jim Johnston, the scribe writer of all of WWE's original entrance songs, heard a Rage Against the Machine track that had a driving bass line and a forceful beat augmented by the sound of glass breaking, and Austin's hell-raising, anti-authority persona immediately came to mind. Since 1996, crowds across the world have come to associate the breaking glass with a sign of things getting very interesting during a wrestling show. They even made a t-shirt about it that said, "When you hear the glass, it's your ass." Fans would roar from the moment the song started; they didn't even need to see Austin to know a major league ass-whuppin' was iminent. It was a perfect way to help get Austin over, and it still works. The song by itself works as a pregame pump-up song as well.
#4 Jake "The Snake" Roberts' theme
Pure intensity, just like the wrestler who walked out to it. Made Jake look like even more of a badass than he already was. Also accompanied a scary intense workout video of Hogan pre-Wrestlemania III. Seriously, he looks like he's lifting in a prison yard.
#5 D-Generation X's theme
Another late 90s Jim Johnston brainchild, this tune was a kickin' groove with a great opening salvo. "Break it down!" symbolized exactly what D-X was about to do to the order of things on every show they were at. The only thing that could have made it better would have been the Beastie Boys performing it instead of the Beastie sound-alikes Johnston used.
#6 Mr. Perfect's theme
As if Curt Hennig wasn't enough of a Ric Flair clone, the WWF gave him an epic entrance song that made it sound like a gladiator or a Greek god was walking to the ring. Coupled with Hennig's chiseled physique, his ultra-confident gait and his cocky-ass half smirk, this song was indeed the perfect entrance for Mr. Perfect.
#7 "My Bonny Lass is Comin' Home to Me"--"Rowdy" Roddy Piper
It almost makes too much sense to just play bagpipes over the speakers when a Scottish wrestler walks to the ring. Something about the particular recording of this traditional tune always struck me as inspirational and heart-warming. It lent Piper a noble, heroic quality that only his demeanor and not his actions in the ring backed up. And I'll admit that I'm biased; my Scottish heritage makes it far easier for me to tolerate the bagpipes.
#8 "Voodoo Child" by Jimi Hendrix--Hollywood Hogan
I admit even I am a little sick that Hogan shows up twice on this list, but honestly, anyone who has the balls to walk to the ring to a Hendrix song has to get his props. It figures that during the nWo era, when Hogan was using his political power to screw around the whole WCW roster and make himself out to be a wrestling god, he had to go and put everyone else's entrance music to shame, too. No studio-constructed, lyricless electronic thrasher rock that passed for a generic entrance song could ever hope to stand up to the power of Jimi. I credit this song with getting me into Hendrix in the first place, and I'm sure it did the same for a lot of other wrestling fans. It was awesome as a chaotic, gritty anthem for the evil Hogan and perfect for his goofy little air guitar routine. Only made me hate him more, so it did its job.
#9 Barry Windham's theme
A little known track, Barry & his tag team partner Dustin Rhodes used this instrumental cover of ZZ Top's "La Grange" briefly during 1991 and '92 in WCW. For some reason, I thought it was a really catchy southern rock riff that perfectly captured the badass cowboy essence of Windham and Rhodes. I also have an indelible memory of hearing an extended play of this song at the Clash of Champions in November of '91. Barry was injured and he and Dustin brought out his substitute for their tag title match. The guy took a while to enter as he was wearing a robe with a huge dragon head on it; not surprisingly he turned out to be Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, one of my all-time favorites! Anyway, this song played on and on, and somehow its relentless note-bending goodness has stuck in my head all these years along with the geeked moment of seeing Steamboat. I think Lance Hoyt of TNA could get over huge if he started using this entrance song today. Eh, maybe not.
#10 "The Game" by Motorhead--Triple H
I hesitate to even put this on the list because it feels like Triple H has been using it way too long. That is a ridiculous statement considering the first two songs on the list, but it's just because Hunter's entrance is so bloated and drawn out (just like his promos) that I'm sick of seeing him do it exactly the same way year after year. I can't deny, however, that he got infinitely more badass when he started using this song at the outset of 2001 and refined his entrance to go along with it. Nowhere were both the positive and negative aspects of this song more evident than when Motorhead performed it live as Triple H entered at both Wrestlemania 17 and 21. The entrances made Triple H look awesome and like a really huge deal, but the fact that they have done the exact same trick with the entrance at two Wrestlemanias proves how badly Triple H needs a change in style or a trip out of the main event. Still, Motorhead rocks and this song is amazing for getting out anger or getting yourself fired up. And the fans definitely respond to it, nowadays by cheering the most evil guy in the business during his entrance. Talk about the power of song.

Honorable mentions, and there are quite a few: Tazz's theme (WWE), Lex Luger's theme (WCW, 1988-1992), "Respect" by Pantera--Rob Van Dam (ECW), "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns 'n' Roses--The Steiner Brothers (WCW, 1989), Ahmed Johnson's theme, Cactus Jack's theme (WWE, 1997-2004), "Graveyard Symphony"--The Undertaker, "Rollin'" by Limp Bizkit--Undertaker, Kane's theme (WWE, 1997-99), Ricky Steamboat's theme (WCW, 1991-92), Chicago Bulls theme--Ricky Steamboat (WWE, 1987-88), the New Age Outlaws' theme, "My Time is Now" by John Cena--John Cena

The Olympics
-Okay, I know I said a few weeks ago that I didn't care. I still don't, really, at least not enough to skip class or rehearsal or work to watch the games on TV. But I have to admit that every time I do manage to catch some of the Olympiad, I am transfixed. And there is a part of me that, even in this day and age of monkey-brained politics and economic stupidity, gets up to see the U.S. kick some ass (or yells at them when they suck). I railed and wailed at the misadventures of Apolo Oh, no, Bode Swiller, Lindsay Lack-of-cerebellum-is (you no longer get to use my name as part of yours!) and the rest of Team Happy To Be Here, but at the same time I genuinely enjoyed Shaun White's righteous ass-kicking of the entire snowboarding world (until he started talking. yeesh.). My only disappointment? My friend Brent isn't around to make fun of curling with me. Poor guy is stuck in Canada; he probably can't find a TV that isn't going curling nuts right now. I must refer back to the sage-like wisdom of Lewis Black: "If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. Why? Because it's harder than curling, and if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal."

The Oscars
-I still haven't caught up on the best picture nominees. Maybe now that her comp is over, Aiea will have some time to sleep next to me as I rent them (she has a hard time getting through whole movies, alright?). I'm very intrigued by Capote; I'm usually turned off by Philip Seymour Hoffman, but I may have to start liking him because it's rumored he will play The Penguin in the next Batman Begins movie. I really hated his fat ass in Talented Mr. Ripley, though. That movie was just a shitshow from beginning to end. I'm glad they lampooned it in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Wait, was I talking about the Oscars and now I'm on Kevin Smith? How did that happen? I love ya, Kev, but that's what you get for taking 4 years to write one issue of Spider-Man/Black Cat. You should be ashamed.

So, anyway, Oscars. Yeah, as long as Roberto Benigni isn't up for anything, I'm all good. Make your choices as you may, Academy. Page me when you've nominated a Marvel flick for something other than visual effects.

The Bulls
-Remember them? I would feel bad about neglecting my boys since the playoffs ended last year, but then again I wasn't even following them until after this point last season anyway, so maybe this is a good thing. I actually know a lot. I know Ben Gordon is starting, and that he scored 30 points in three straight games (mostly 'cause the Chicago sports media talks about it like that makes him Kareem Jordan Chamberlain, Jr. or something). I know Tyson Chandler gets paid $10 million a year to not play offense. I would have a joke for that, but it makes me too fucking angry. I know that the Bulls are very much in the playoff hunt and yet the hot topic of conversation seems to be the 2 lottery picks they have in the upcoming draft. And I know that's not a good thing. Most of all, I know none of it matters until the Chicago Not Jordans get a center who can do something more than get eaten alive by Shaq and battered around by the Motor City Wallace Connection (sounds like an old school rap group). Until that happens, the Bulls aren't making it out of the Eastern Conference, and after six titles in the 90s, all I care about is titles, baby. Forget the nostalgia, that was last year. This is '06, and they have to show me something or hit the bricks.

Spring Training
-Games start in a week. Windy City title town, baby. I'm telling you it's somebody in Chicago's year. I'm betting on Marquis Grissom, who may as well be a lock for a roster spot on the North Side. Just remember, Cubs fans, it could be worse. It could be Rickey Henderson. Hell, it could be Pete Incaviglia, but it's not. That's what's important. Oh yeah, the Cubs are gonna be great this year.

Wrestlemania
-It's just 38 Big Time days away. I'm still skeptical about the card, but when I consider the possibilities along with what's already been announced, it at least sounds good:

Triple H vs. Cena for the WWE title
Mysterio vs. Orton vs. Angle for the World Heavyweight title
HBK vs. McMahon
Undertaker vs. Mark Henry? (swing and a miss!)
Mickie James vs. Trish for the Women's title
Edge vs. Mick Foley
Bret Hart, Eddie Guerrero, and possibly Dusty Rhodes, the Road Warriors and Ricky Steamboat (!) in the Hall of Fame
Carlito and 4-5 others in a Money in the Bank match?
Lashley vs. Finlay? (uh-oh)

And that still leaves Kane, Big Show, Benoit, Booker T, MNM, Chris Masters and a host of others with nothing to do. It may be thin on established talent, but it seems like it will be chock full of new agey goodness. If Mysterio wins, though, I may gis myself right there in the arena. So look out for security dragging my soiled carcass away LIVE AND ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW!!!

That's it and that's all.
~Jakeman