Taking stock of the end of an era

"We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken, sobbing with our
Heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to
Slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never comprimise
For the life of me cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen."
-The Verve Pipe, "The Freshmen"

That song came out very close to 8th grade graduation when I was in 7th grade, and I vividly remember a clever social studies teacher playing it over the P.A. in my junior high school on the last day of classes. All the overemotional girlies in the room with me started to break into tears at the thought of leaving 8th grade behind and becoming freshmen; since that day I've always thought of it as a fitting commencement song. Does it really have anything to do with graduating? Probably not, but I do hear a fairly significant message within it: no matter what stupid mistakes you may have made when you were young and didn't know any better, you still have to take responsibility for your past and move in to the future. Plus, it's all sad and strained and deliberate, so it's great for drawing the waterworks at a time in life when everyone wants to cry for no reason they can really put their finger on. Hence, good graduation song.

So in case it's not clear, the theme of this entry is my recent graduation from *gasp* college. You'll have to excuse me, but even as I write that I have to pause, 'cause it sounds really fucking weird. Before anyone asks, no I don't feel any different now that I'm a college grad. I know I'm different than I was before high school, and I bet you'd only have to ask 1 person who knew me both now and then to find that out, but I sure don't feel that way. I have a theory that my life accelerates faster with each passing year; it seems to me that an eternity went by between the start of kindergarten and the end of junior high, but by comparison the last 10 years have been a blur. There's part of me that longs for the drudgery of a steady full-time job just so that some portion of my life drags a bit. At this rate all my internal organs will be wasting away to uselessness before I've even seen Paris. If I had any interest in seeing Paris, that is. To quote Sir Ian McKellen from a diverting recent literary adaptation, "Never trust the French." But I digress.

The point is that my time at Notre Dame went by so fast that I barely even registered that I was a college man before they were booting me out the door and telling me to come loud somewhere else (sorry, honors student joke. won't happen again). Part of the problem was that I sat on my ass and did nothing for a solid 8 semesters of my time in college, totally forgetting the one thing I should have picked up in high school: if you want to meet people and have fun, you have to go to where the people are. No extra-curriculars = lots of wack-off time. And sure, that has its merits, but even that gets old after a while. Now granted, not overworking myself in my leisure time did allow me to take it easy and focus on my classes. Nothing but A's for the last 2 and a half years or so looks good on a resume, but it doesn't make for a whole lot of memorable moments. But hell, I managed to knock out a good many life milestones during these past four years, now that I think about it. Let's run down the list:

I got arrested, I went to court, I did community service, and I failed a test or two. I got so drunk I threw up, I got so drunk I passed out, and I got so drunk I threw up, passed out & couldn't remember where I was. I nursed both a guy friend and a girlfriend through a near-fatal 21st birthday. For my part, I had one really awful 21st birthday and one really awesome one on the second try. Which means, for those keeping track, that this September 24th I'm turning 21, version 3.o, not 23. And on that subject, I took my last math class ever and then abandoned the subject after being 2 grades ahead in it for all of primary school. I drove drunk, I drove drunks, I drove several golf carts and mowers into ditches and inescapable mud traps, and I drove 3 different roommates to...want other roommates. I also drove trucks, minivans, full-size vans, golf carts, fairway mowers, trim mowers, stick-shift golf carts, and a Volvo (not a beige one, though). I smoked a cigar--and it was good, lord help me--I took straight tequila shots, and I mixed about 6 different varieties of hard alcohol in one cup and lived to tell about it. I had 1 one night stand, had another relationship that really should've been a one night stand, and had what could be considered another one night stand if you count spooning. I didn't show up for work because I was too drunk, I didn't show up for a callback because I was too sick (well, really because I didn't feel like it), I didn't show up for one last day of hell at an internship because it was a day of hell, and I haven't lived to regret any one of them. I had three different jobs that all pretty much sucked, but I had three bosses I actually liked. I played little to no baseball, basketball or football, but I did play team handball, passball, beer pong, flip cup (on two different continents with beer and slushies), softball, wiffleball, home run derby, washers, bowling, drunken & one-handed bowling, wrestling, golf, mini-golf, beach volleyball and competitive stripping. Oh yeah.

Besides my good grades, in class I got to study Shakespeare, Aristotle, James Joyce, the Baghavad Gita, the Tao Te Ching, the Qur'an, Tolstoy, Sappho, Aquinas, Nietzsche, the Trobriand Islanders, Olivier, Spielberg, and Keanu Reeves all at the same school. I had a paper that was good enough to be published in a national journal, I performed in four plays in one year, I was a DJ at two different radio stations, I made movies (!), two of which were featured in the Notre Dame film festival and one which made it to public television, got me interviewed in the paper and on local TV and radio news. I went to Michigan, Indiana & Ohio, Wisconsin (way too much), Illinois & Minnesota-all in one day; not to mention Kentucky, Tennesse, the ATL, Las Vegas, Toronto and England on my first jet flight ever. I also found myself at the world's tallest building, the world's tallest hotel, the world's largest rollercoaster park (home of the world's fastest rollercoaster--which I rode), the world's largest outdoor basketball tournament, the world's largest mall, the world's largest airport, and the home of the most waterparks in the world. I attended pro baseball & football, college basketball, football and baseball, broadway theatre, three Best Picture-winning movies, eight total comic book films and state champion-level forensics in two states. I didn't marry or knock up anyone myself, but I did see two girls I once made out with get married and pregnant. And as for my proudest accomplishments: I was in a relationship for over a year (and counting), graduated in four years from a major American university, saw all of my teams (Bears, Bulls, Cubs, NIU football, ND football & basketball and White Sox) make it to their respective postseasons while one captured the most prestigious title in sports (make your argument if you want, nothing compares to the World Series), ate a twenty-ounce burger smothered in cheese, bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes and grease with a side of fries, met my hero Mick Foley and fufilled a lifelong dream by seeing in person the greatest spectacle in sports and entertainment, Wrestlemania.

Since college ended, I've already added getting paid to fly to Philadelphia and interview at NFL Films to that list, proving that my fears that four years of college would amount to jack squat once I went out into the real world were a bit extreme. And if that job pans out, I will be dragged kicking and screaming into the biggest rite of passage of all: moving to a coast and living truly alone for the first time in my life. So my theory about things moving quicker and quicker continues to be frighteningly accurate. But the important question is what has all this taught me? Well, I don't know for sure, but what I do know is that while I felt like I was a lot busier, more involved and better accomplished in high school than in college, the above list is way longer than the one for the previous four years would have been. So maybe the rate at which time elapses isn't the only thing that increases as life goes on. Maybe the sheer amount of stuff you accomplish if you keep pressing onward and at least try a few things also raises exponentially. I think the weirdest part of all, however, is that I didn't feel at all ready for high school to start. I felt even less prepared for college. And yet, I blinked, and they were over. Not only were they over, but I was left with these huge lists of things I did or saw without ever really considering how impossible they were. So maybe the truth, and not just for me, lies along the lines of something my girlfriend likes to say when life is getting hectic. She says, "God doesn't give me anything I can't handle." Even if you're not religious, I think that statement holds a lot of weight. For me it has proven especially true. Because even if I didn't feel prepared for high school or college, or if I still don't feel prepared for whatever the next step is, it doesn't matter. I am ready, whether I know it or not, precisely because of all that I have experienced up 'til now. You get older, you get more mature, and you become prepared to face what's next just by living. And while it never hurts to plan ahead, it takes a lot to screw yourself over as long as you get a few breaks and keep your viewscreen on forward.

To sum up, college was fun. I didn't love every minute of it, but just like high school, it really got good towards the end, and I did a whole lot of living. So a special thanks to those that made it happen and the ones I met along the way. I think you know how amazing you are. At least I hope so. And while there's a chance I won't feel this way in a few months, I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't say bring on the next step. I'm ready to move onward and upward. Set a course for the second star to the right, and straight on until morning. My time is now.

~Jakeman